I have been exceptionally good this year. Well, at least I’ve tried really hard to be good. But there are all sorts of things that can get in the way.
I’ve been doing extra chores this year. It’s hard to pick up after children that hide things, especially cookie dough behind the cabinets, snacks in drawers, and even the papers that get ripped up into a million little pieces because it is an “activity” that keeps one of my kids busy. It can take a huge amount of planning to get the chores done and also manage to pick up and move pictures to the holes in the walls so that the visitors do not feel they have entered a “unsafe ” place.
I am not even talking about the singing that I have to do to get my daughter to eat, or the dancing I must do to get her to drink. It is difficult being the mom and the entertainer. Combining discipline and building positive self esteem is hard. NOT like the Italian home I grew up in.. you knew if the wooden spoon was raised you ran!
I have also tried to go grocery shopping at 11pm so that my children are sleeping all nestled in their beds and limit the number of customers who point at me and say “That”s the mom with the unruly child.” It also helps with the child who feels he needs to eat certain things to keep the voices in his head away.. if you drink lots of water you will not hear the scratching on the window that is not there.
I am trying to be nice to everyone but Santa, have you ever called Mobile Crisis? They want you to schedule a time for the crisis! When you call, they seem to always say it is shift change and they won’t have a clinician in for four hours. How do you pause a crisis? I call, at first to explain, then I’m more demanding but still patient, and then okay, I talk about the laws and then I’m called the parent OUT OF CONTROL.
Santa, I’ve spent a lot of time teaching too. Everywhere I go it seems I have teaching to do — grocery stores, banks, even people in cars looking as you are waiting for the stop light. Seems like everyone has to LOOK at our kids and judge us. So I am trying Santa.. but it gets hard. The new item in the state is Wraparound. What they don’t tell you is…well, can you imagine not believing in strength based families? Why is it such a hard concept? And you know my tough child–the one that hears voices–who doesn’t know what to do and sometimes wonders why he should continue to try? This Wraparound thing would never work for him because he is too unique–the system calls him too complicated.
Finally.. I really want to go back to DMH and get a caseworker that believes in families, believes in clinical help. They call back, they support, and guess what .. they do not want to file 51As. I am trying to believe that the professionals in Wraparound will get it.. but how many times do you need to change teams in order to succeed?
So I hope all this counts. My list this year is a list of the things I think would help me with the system. It’s a little like a top 10 countdown (I would love to be Jay Leno, or Letterman). Will people get my sense of humor? It is different then most… I guess not really if you have a child like mine.
The items on my list are in the order of importance, so if there are too many things for you to carry, please delete as few of the items as possible, starting from the bottom of my list.
Santa, I will leave you organic oatmeal cookies and soy milk (in case you are lactose intolerant) and carrots for your reindeer (organically grown of course).
Thank you in advance. I know you receive a lot of letters so you don’t need to reply unless there is a problem with my list or you need services for another child. I have taught myself to be resourceful so please let me know if I can help someone else get it right!
10. Mobile crisis to move in my home
9. Clinicians who will talk to all parts of the team
8. Schools that do not depend on the parent to play expert, and then blame them if it doesn’t work
7. A secretary
6. A full time nurse – those somatic symptoms creep up on us
5. News station to teach the public about children’s mental health
4. Safety protection.. not what you are thinking… i want bubble wrap so when the heat is hot.. i am protected!!!
3. Another set of eyes.. reality tv please. The money would pay for the lawyers.
2. I always wanted more children, so for this one could each kid in DCF or any other system get a someone to call mom, dad, grandma or grandpa?
1. Ok.. I have decided.. nothing can be cut off my list…I need it all to make things work
Most of the conversations I have with other parents include a description of the services that didn’t work. Families often wait for a treatment only to find that it just doesn’t match their child’s needs. It might be the wrong kind of therapy or the wrong school plan. It might be bad advice (it’s just a phase) or or a poor evaluation. But whatever it is, it is a waste of time and money.
Most parents start by giving it a try. You go to the appointment (especially if you’ve waited for weeks) with first hope, then determination. You might wonder why someone thought this was a good match for your child or your family. You begin to think that even online dating services offer a better profile of what you are getting into. But you stick with it, usually long after you know that it isn’t what your child needs.
In 2006, Judge Michael Ponser issued a decision in federal court in the Rosie D case. He had heard weeks of testimony about what was not working for children and families. A pivotal part of that decision was about assessing children so that they would get services that matched their needs. He said, “Without a clinically appropriate, detailed assessment of a child, proper treatment is obviously impossible.”
Out of this decision came a plan and that plan included using an assessment tool called the Child Adolescent Needs and Strengths or CANS for short. The CANS is intended to be filled out with the child’s parents and help inform a process to choose the best course of action for a child and his or her family. It is crucial to involve families in the assessment process. After all, they are the experts on their children and their families. Parents know what works and what has been a dismal failure.
At this point, thousands of clinicians in Massachusetts have been trained to give the CANS assessment. We know that numerous children and youth have received this assessment (sometimes over and over again) and some clinicians have embraced it while others find it cumbersome. But what we don’t know is whether it is leading to more services that match the child’s and family’s needs.
And that’s the bottom line. Parents make sacrifices for their children every day. They invest their time, money, energy and emotions so that their children will get the care they need. But they want that care to be effective. One father I know says that he just can’t believe how ineffective the mental health system is for childen. He notes that in the business world, some of the programs would go out of business because of poor performance or lack of customer satisfaction.
What we don’t know yet is whether the CANS is leading to more effective services for children with mental health needs and their families. That’s the real goal. As we hear of the number of clinicians trained, assessments given and other milestones, let’s not lose sight of it. In the end it’s the only number that matters.
Every parent knows what it’s like to wait for that call back from the doctor when your child’s fever has jumped into the stratosphere. Or the call that tells you what the strep culture showed or if the x-ray revealed a broken bone. If that call doesn’t come right away, you experience a lot of nail-biting anxiety and a sense of frustration watching your child feel just miserable.
Now imagine that the call you are waiting for is because your child’s violent moods are holding the whole family hostage. Or your son is doing risky things and just doesn’t care about his physical safety. Or your daughter talks about death and dying in a way that sometimes makes you think she’s trying to shock you and other times gives you a frightening glimpse of her inner pain. These things are urgent symptoms just as much as a fever is. It hurts as much — if not more — to wait for that call while watching your child’s emotional pain.
Famillies of children with mental health needs have been waiting in this state for decades. For more than ten years, my organization has been documenting how long parents have waited for an appointment with a psychiatrist (months), a therapist (often weeks), a hospital bed (hours or even days) or a therapeutic school placement (weeks or months again). However awful the waits, there have been ways to approach them. Parents are told there is an opening for their child on a certain day or that there are 3 children ahead of theirs on the wait list. After all, this is good customer service. If you know how long it’s going to be, you can draw upon that last bit of fortitude and hang in there for a week or month or however long it is.
In 2006 federal judge Michael Ponsor ordered changes in the way Medicaid services for children and youth are delivered in Massachusetts. At the heart of that order is a requirement of “reasonable promptness” when services are medically necessary. More than 2000 children and their families are enrolled in the new coordinated community-based services offered through the Children’s Behavioral Health Initiative (CBHI). Some families experience a fast response to their phone calls and requests for services. Others, however, are having a much worse experience.
Some families are calling to apply for services and never get their calls returned. Others go through the initial intake process and then hear nothing for weeks. Still others are told that there are no openings near their home; instead they must go to another area and see if there are openings there. When one parent asked where her child was on the waiting list, she was told that “We don’t call them wait lists.”
Waits are nothing new for families whose children have mental health needs in Massachusetts. While it’s disappointing to see that the new CBHI services have lengthy waits in some parts of the state, it’s a puzzling strategy to eliminate the use of wait lists. Most of us use wait lists as a way to check in; to see if there is a system for triaging should our child become worse and as a mechanism to ensure fairness (first come, first served).
Living with a child who has mental health needs includes a lot of uncertainty. Many parents wake up each day and worry, Will it be a good day or a terrible one? A system where there is no way to gauge just how much longer you have to hold on adds to the burden for parents. Waiting is hard enough all by itself.