I have been exceptionally good this year. Well, at least I’ve tried really hard to be good. But there are all sorts of things that can get in the way.
I’ve been doing extra chores this year. It’s hard to pick up after children that hide things, especially cookie dough behind the cabinets, snacks in drawers, and even the papers that get ripped up into a million little pieces because it is an “activity” that keeps one of my kids busy. It can take a huge amount of planning to get the chores done and also manage to pick up and move pictures to the holes in the walls so that the visitors do not feel they have entered a “unsafe ” place.
I am not even talking about the singing that I have to do to get my daughter to eat, or the dancing I must do to get her to drink. It is difficult being the mom and the entertainer. Combining discipline and building positive self esteem is hard. NOT like the Italian home I grew up in.. you knew if the wooden spoon was raised you ran!
I have also tried to go grocery shopping at 11pm so that my children are sleeping all nestled in their beds and limit the number of customers who point at me and say “That”s the mom with the unruly child.” It also helps with the child who feels he needs to eat certain things to keep the voices in his head away.. if you drink lots of water you will not hear the scratching on the window that is not there.
I am trying to be nice to everyone but Santa, have you ever called Mobile Crisis? They want you to schedule a time for the crisis! When you call, they seem to always say it is shift change and they won’t have a clinician in for four hours. How do you pause a crisis? I call, at first to explain, then I’m more demanding but still patient, and then okay, I talk about the laws and then I’m called the parent OUT OF CONTROL.
Santa, I’ve spent a lot of time teaching too. Everywhere I go it seems I have teaching to do — grocery stores, banks, even people in cars looking as you are waiting for the stop light. Seems like everyone has to LOOK at our kids and judge us. So I am trying Santa.. but it gets hard. The new item in the state is Wraparound. What they don’t tell you is…well, can you imagine not believing in strength based families? Why is it such a hard concept? And you know my tough child–the one that hears voices–who doesn’t know what to do and sometimes wonders why he should continue to try? This Wraparound thing would never work for him because he is too unique–the system calls him too complicated.
Finally.. I really want to go back to DMH and get a caseworker that believes in families, believes in clinical help. They call back, they support, and guess what .. they do not want to file 51As. I am trying to believe that the professionals in Wraparound will get it.. but how many times do you need to change teams in order to succeed?
So I hope all this counts. My list this year is a list of the things I think would help me with the system. It’s a little like a top 10 countdown (I would love to be Jay Leno, or Letterman). Will people get my sense of humor? It is different then most… I guess not really if you have a child like mine.
The items on my list are in the order of importance, so if there are too many things for you to carry, please delete as few of the items as possible, starting from the bottom of my list.
Santa, I will leave you organic oatmeal cookies and soy milk (in case you are lactose intolerant) and carrots for your reindeer (organically grown of course).
Thank you in advance. I know you receive a lot of letters so you don’t need to reply unless there is a problem with my list or you need services for another child. I have taught myself to be resourceful so please let me know if I can help someone else get it right!
10. Mobile crisis to move in my home
9. Clinicians who will talk to all parts of the team
8. Schools that do not depend on the parent to play expert, and then blame them if it doesn’t work
7. A secretary
6. A full time nurse – those somatic symptoms creep up on us
5. News station to teach the public about children’s mental health
4. Safety protection.. not what you are thinking… i want bubble wrap so when the heat is hot.. i am protected!!!
3. Another set of eyes.. reality tv please. The money would pay for the lawyers.
2. I always wanted more children, so for this one could each kid in DCF or any other system get a someone to call mom, dad, grandma or grandpa?
1. Ok.. I have decided.. nothing can be cut off my list…I need it all to make things work
Ten years ago last month, Massachusetts enacted a mental health parity law. As with most legislation, there were a lot of compromises along the way and no one was really sure if this law would make a significant difference. (It was an important moral victory, though.) The list of diagnoses was limited to those that were considered to be“biologically based” (bipolar made it in, post traumatic stress disorder was out) and insurers could impose limits on anything that wasn’t “medically necessary.” PAL was the only organization talking exclusively about what children and families needed and worked hard to get the insurance benefit to pay for therapy in other places than an office. We had high hopes for what the passage of parity would do for children with mental health needs and their families and a lot of hopeful guesses.
Ten years is certainly enough time to tell if any law has made a difference. What parity is supposed to do is simply ensure that your insurance covers your mental health treatment just as it does your medical treatment: same deductible, same authorizations, same copayments. Our parity law of 2000 was limited in scope — many called it partial parity. Does that mean it only partly helped?
Here are five ways that the mental health parity law — with all its flaws — has helped children and youth with mental health needs and their families. Sometimes it has made a direct impact and other times its influence has been more subtle.
First, parity increased outpatient visits so that children have as many visits as they need in a calendar year (here’s where that medical necessity standard comes in: it’s frequently the insurer who decides what they “need”). Before this, children often had only 8 visits (or 12 or 20) a year, no matter what. Many families reported running out of their therapy visits in the summer, often right before school was going to begin. For many, the individual therapy and family therapy visits came out of the same pool so that if you had family therapy, your precious number of individual visits was decreased.
Second, by including children in the language of parity we agreed many kids actually didn’t have perfect childhoods and their mental health needs often look quite different from those of adults. The language in the law for children and teens has standards around functioning, not diagnosis, even though it isn’t always used.
Third, we laid the groundwork for paying for mental health services for kids in different settings. The law said you could receive therapy at home, at school or in other settings. Why is this important? Children and youth often resist going to an office or institution and parents can have a heck of a time getting them there. Many also will speak more freely in a familiar comfortable setting.
Fourth, this law actually did help reduce stigma. When Nancy Collier and I first worked on this law, we had to use our own personal stories to highlight the issue in the media. Now, we have many families willing to speak out and tell their stories, hoping to make things better. Hearing about real people, their struggles and successes, always makes the issue come alive. This willingness to speak out wasn’t there just ten years ago.
Last, this law affirmed to parents and their children that mental health is as important as physical health. We know our children and familes are in every city and town in the Commonwealth, from the child who shows up in the school nurses office with a stomach ache (often anxiety in disguise) to the child who experiences trauma and has witnessed violence in his home or community. Their future depends on all of us saying over and over again, children’s mental health matters to me, does it matter to you?
What do you think? Has mental health parity made a difference for you?
About a year and a half ago, PAL surveyed parents asking questions about their struggles and successes getting needed treatment for their child with mental health needs. It was a short survey and was available for only 6 weeks. 471 parents rushed to respond and about half wrote comments, told stories and vented about how tough it was to not only get services but to even find out about them. In most surveys about 5% of the respondents take the time to write comments; to have half do so tells us that parents were just waiting to be asked about their lives.
In the report of the survey results, Overcoming Barriers in the Community, there were several noteworthy findings. First, parents reported that out of pocket expenses were hurting their families. This was true for families with little income as well as those in the middle class. Children with mental health needs often see a therapist as well as someone to prescribe medication. So there are two sets of copayments instead of one as well as the copay for medication. Since some parents feel ambivalent about medication in a way that parents whose children have serious medical needs don’t, they are more apt to purchase herbs to help their child sleep or supplements to help them feel less anxious. It all adds up. A 2008 California study reported that there is very little cushion in most family budgets for health care costs and many families make trade-offs with paying other bills or even delaying other medical care.
The survey also asked about respite care and surprisingly, 1 in 5 parents had never even heard of it. Of those who had, 75% thought it was an important part of their child’s care and most found it difficult to get. Many families truly want their son or daughter to stay at home even with challenging behaviors and swinging moods, but the stress of caring for them, coordinating their care and advocating for services is enormous. Quality, timely respite care can make all the difference.
Most poignant were the stories of stigma and the impact of a child’s mental health needs on the family. Parents over and over again wrote of how their child’s behaviors were seen as the end result of their inadequate parenting skills and worse, nearly half said that their extended family made them and their child feel unwelcome. One commented, “It is a frightening and lonely path that I never envisioned….”
Yet throughout their stories, families wrote of their successes. Sure, there were long waits, but when the services were in place improvements began to appear. Yes, it was hard to get useful information, but when they found another parent to exchange information with, share war stories and point out shortcuts, the load was lighter. Overwhelmingly, other parents who’ve been down the same road were named the number 1 resource. That either means that one veteran parent has been very busy helping hundreds of other parents or that parents are networking and supporting one another.
No one raises their hand and says, “Pick me. I’d love to be the one to parent a child with mental health needs and face all these challenges.” But for those that find themselves doing just that, access to good information, effective services and other parents was cause for gratitude.
This week is Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week and there are events all over Massachusetts. Some of them are splashy — such as dinners and photo exhibits — but most are low key events organized by parents and those who want to do something about the stigma still attached to mental health disorders. The governor and many mayors issue proclamations, posters and flyers are put up in communities and everyone is urged to wear a green ribbon. I’m wearing one right now; are you?
What I love most about children’s mental health week is that it still belongs to the families who started it. In November 1995, I went to the annual conference of the national Federation of Families and heard a presentation by a passionate, funny and articulate group of families from Missouri. They had come together and decided that the most important thing they could do for their kids was try and reduce stigma. “This isn’t a casserole illness,” one said. “No one comes to your house with lasagna or a casserole when your child goes into a psychiatric hospital. Instead, they either don’t know what to say, or worse, act as if this is somehow the parent’s fault.” So they started a campaign to raise awareness, reduce stigma and celebrate their children. It’s still going strong in Missouri to this day.
After the conference I brought all their materials and suggestions back to Massachusetts. In May 1996, two friends, Nancy Collier and Marian Butler, and I launched Children’s Mental Health Week in our state. We created posters, a tool kit and took a stab at writing public service announcements. Our coworkers and friends gave us small donations to help with printing, mailing and glueing ribbons together. We met each other in McDonald’s parking lots and handed off materials. We were determined it was going to be a success. Parents loved it and put up posters in libraries, supermarkets and schools. And proudly wore their ribbons.
We got technical advice from the family organization in Missouri along the way. (I’ll never forget the phone message from one staff person, after we had had a few days of telephone tag. He was trying to connect to get some information to me and kept saying, “I want to git with you so I’ll keep tryin’. I’m gonna git with you all in Massachusetts.”) They were so pleased to see families in other states mirror their efforts.
Next year will be the 15th year we have had Children’s Mental Health Week in Massachusetts. Children’s mental health issues are more often in the news (both positive and negative coverage) and our awareness has increased. Parents still emphasize the impact that a child’s mental health needs have on everyone in the family and sometimes it’s heard. We’ve made some progress but there’s still a lot of ground to cover.
Guess I’ll keep wearing that green ribbon!